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Heart Heavy

If you would have asked me about five years ago about being emotional I would have told you that I was still stone cold. I was so not close to the woman God wanted me to be. I was so far away and patching up ideas of images like those scary ransom letters in movies we see. It was scary and surely was not a picture from a Picasso.


The very thing that we mostly shy away from in ourselves and build a wall up over, is the thing that will take us far, We think that if we come up with this master plan to hide that we will perfectly survive for the rest of our lives. But the truth is one day we will have to face that very thing we are shielding. For me, that was my heart. My heart had been broken over and over again and I never spoke about it. And no, it was not from romantic relationships. I have seriously only had one meaningful romantic relationship.


My heart was one area that has always been a struggle for me. One second I want to save the world and help, then the next I feel I gave too much. Next, I am over the place monitoring who and what I give my heart to then at the same time I am giving all of my heart. One day, I really got real with myself after a lot of self reflection and talking to God that I realized that my heart is one of the BEST features about me. It is something that stands out. My heart and I have been through forgiveness, deep love, being in love, sharing, caring, heaviness, character flaws, and so much I could go on but you get the point.






The most important thing my heart taught me was that it is okay to take time to FEEL. This was hard for me at first but I have learned that when we take the time we need to process things. Do not dismiss how you feel to be falsely strong. You need to take the time to address how you feel, what you experienced and why it hurts. It is the part we do not want to look at but it is so worth it. If we do not address our pain we continue to suppress parts of us that need to be revealed for us to develop.


I wish I could tell you it is an overnight process and you will have this all together by tomorrow morning. But….that is not the case. The truth is there is no time limit on your journey and you will forever be growing, healing, processing, leveling up and repeat. You are a flower that is forever blooming. You must continue to water yourself with the love you need and that comes from facing the truth. You get better by improving on those things that matter.


I am encouraging you to look in the mirror and ask God to open your heart to its deepest parts and reveal what is not like Him. Ask Him how you can be broken open to be more of Him and less of you. No more normal. No more lukewarm. No more battling depression every season over the same thing. No more losing our minds over lies that were fed to us. No more letting our hearts suffer.







Put your hand over your heart, breathe in and out and repeat these affirmations:


#1- I am allowed time to feel.

#2- I am allowed to have feelings.

#3- My feelings matter.

#4- My heart deserves healing.

#5- My heart is filled with love.

#6- My heart is filled with peace.

#7- Light shines through my heart.

#8- My heart deserves healthy boundaries.

#9- God is in my heart.

#10- I love each and every part of me.


I pray these affirmations help you to start your healing process. Sometimes, I am still saying affirmations and crying just because I know that the process is working.






As we are going through a difficult time with COVID-19, I want to share a prayer with you to get you through because I know we all are experiencing an adjustment that may impact our hearts at this time.


Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the times you have provided, protected and been my comfort in hard times. I pray for healing over the lives and families that have been impacted at this time. May they be given peace, strength and restoration at this time. Father, I pray for supernatural things to happen at this time that only you can do. May their hearts remember who you are and the amazing works you do. You tell us to be still and know that you are God. May we be reminded that stillness is an act of the spirit and that it all may seem hard but it is in your hands. God, we are believing in a good thing, in a faithful thing, covered and protected by your love. God we are your people and we know that our trust is going to shake up the plans of the enemy. God, you planted in us that if we trust with all our hearts that our paths be led straight. There are a lot of questions unanswered. A lot of families lost for words. A lot of pain was never discussed. A lot of broken relationships. A lot of division. We are lifting up everything that is a way that is not like you to be a true transformation into the woman or man we are called to be. Cleanse us Lord. cleanse our families. Cleanse our homes. Cleanse our spirit Lord. Restore. Restore. Restore. But Lord you are so great, you are so awesome and we lift every worry, doubt, fear and pain up to you. You love us. Leaving all of it on the altar by your grace and mercy all is well and working out for our good.


We love you, oh Lord!

Love your children,


Peace & blessings,

Toni




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